I see you: A monologue on "high-functioning anxiety"

I have learned that self discovery is a tricky thing. Just when you think you've got something figured out, another life altering revelation is around the corner. Who is the villain in the situation? What is the real problem?

What is the root of it all?

The answer to that question might be unanswerable, because problems do not often stand on their own. They are interconnected--woven around each other and strung along to feed off human emotion and vulnerability. Or control. Weakness and strength. Push and pull. Good and bad.

What is the root of it all? People need control, and for me, having an understanding of why I think the way I do was a way of seizing it. With each revelation came another small success story. It meant I was growing.

As I become more comfortable with the growth I've made, I have in turn become more comfortable sharing the difficulties I've had getting here. Not to gain any kind of sympathy or well-meaning words of encouragement, but to help people feel less alone who might also find themselves in a loop of in-between-ness. You don't have an obligation to always

Toxic Positivity: the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations...that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience. https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/

This thought pattern led me to ponder the term "high functioning social anxiety." I think today's society is one that allows people the space to come out of hiding, and I think I'm finally in a proper headspace to add to the discussion. So in the spirit of honesty and relatability, let's talk about high functioning anxiety and imposter syndrome.

What is high functioning anxiety? I've heard people use the phrase "high functioning" over and over to comfort those who have a mental illness or a kind of condition that inhibits some aspects of life.

Read about it: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/high-functioning-anxiety#contacting-a-doctor

From personal experience, it has always served to inadvertently devalue that person's experience, and has heightened my own feeling of imposter syndrome. To tell someone I deal with anxiety and hear "but you do so well in _____" or "but you're high functioning" has kept me silent for years about the habits I've developed or influences mental health has had on my life because it feeds directly into the idea that "yes, I seem to do well for myself because I work on it. I can generally control it, and some people have more severe conditions and more trauma that justifies it. I'm fortunate to be high functioning, and the fact that I am diminishes my authority to speak about it, even when it relates to myself."

Has anyone experiences this feeling? No one should feel that they have to justify these sensations, especially ones that are out of their control.

Then something clicked. Am I high functioning, or has is it just become my normal? I started paying attention to the things that bother me, or the habits I've picked up. All the problems I have and have had my whole life with certain sensory inputs. Small obsessive habits I have such as rewriting whole sections of texts because of a small mistake or the tv volume needing to be on even numbers or an even five interval. (The even numbers being a recent development I've conditioned myself to be alright with so that I had a better range of numbers.)

The other day I was experiencing terrible paranoia that I hadn't done something before I left for work despite my being fully aware that it had gotten done. But I could not push the thought out of my head or the anxiety that came with it. The art of obsessively playing scenarios out in my head is not a typical behavior, but it is my normal.

The need to have at least two or three of my senses stimulated at once, particularly sound and touch. The daily task of purposely slowing yourself down when anxious to avoid becoming flustered and stumbling over words. There is no option to excuse yourself and wait for it to pass at work.

I've now effectively pointed out just a handful of things that are normal, every day situations for me. But let me describe it from an outside perspective.

I touch something and shiver a bit like I only had a chill. I look away at my phone while people change the tv volume or temperature. I am zoning out a bit or, on the flipside, keeping myself constantly engaged and busy. I am always listening to music of watching a video. Or, if I'm reading, I'm fidgeting with something in my other hand or tapping my arm.

The first way I described it is my reality. The second way is everyone else's as it relates to me. Those behaviors that people think make me high functioning, because in their mind the alternative extreme is collapsing to the ground shaking and crying. Those anxiety responses are valid, but it is not the reality for many.

I don't want a million comments telling me they're here for me. I want people to think about the way they describe people with mental health conditions, diagnosed or undiagnosed like me. I want people to understand that it presents itself differently in everyone, and to be reflective not responsive when someone trusts you enough to lift the mask.

I am writing this for all the other people who feel like they are trapped between chronic illness and "normality".

I see you doing what you feel is best. I see you being unsatisfied thinking your best isn't enough. I see you angry at the limitations it puts on your life. And I see how frustrating it is to explain those limitations to people who don't want your whole life story, and it's easier sometimes to just let them think you're lazy.

I see you. You are valid. You are allowed to be proud of the growth you've made to heal and move forward. I have realized that this disorder will probably always be a part of me, no matter how much progress I've made. And just because everyone around you thinks it must have evaporated into the night sky when you stopped talking about it, doesn't mean you have to think it should have.

You are not invalidated in your experience because you do a good job functioning, whether that's for your sake or for others. It does not mean you aren't or shouldn't be suffering.

If some or all of this resonates with you, this is your reminder to take a breathe and drink something with water in it. Personally, it's 2 pm while I edit this post and I've had a third of an iced coffee to drink. I think I could get around to making a pitcher of tea or lemonade. Follow the dopamine when it taps on your door.

I don't know you, but I see you. Whatever the severity, let's struggle forward together.

Adventure on and don't forget to always be yourself.